dream
when you're feeling blue
dream
that's the thing to do
things never are as bad as they seem
so dream
dream, dream
on april 8, 2000, mark hogancamp was in a bar.
he left the bar about closing time.
and a group of five individuals had been in the bar harassing him,
then they went outside, followed him, and beat him senseless.
stomped on him, and did some pretty bad damage to his brain.
the doctors had to rebuild his face.
the impact on the brain from the assault
was such that he was in a coma for 9 days.
to see your 38-year-old son having to learn how to eat again,
taking his first steps.
i mean, seeing your 38-year-old son starting to walk again.
and seeing it, it's heart breaking.
he was there for 40 days in the hospital.
and then they dismissed him because he couldn't pay for it
when he was on medicaid.
i took care of mark for 2 years
after he got out of the hospital.
i mean, he really literally had to learn everything over.
he went to therapy for a very short time.
it was-- all these physical therapies he went through
and talking and word search and all this stuff.
he was just starting to get, you know, some of this stuff back
when they just, like, cut if off.
"that's it. that's all you get".
then you come home from work
and he's building this little miniature building,
and looks like hell, just made from old plywood
and nasty stuff and pieces of stuff you find around the yard.
but it's developed into a world, his own world.
this is me.
after the attack, of course.
always smoking.
um, i used to carry one revolver.
and then general patton gave me his other revolver.
so now i have two.
because the general just wants to hang out, have a drink.
what's this all about, man
when the teenagers kicked my head to pieces,
they wiped, i mean, everything.
all memory of everything.
my memories that i do get, they come back in stills,
just a single shot, but no context.
all i have is a photo to remind me that, ok, i was married, wow.
to a good-looking girl, too.
she was a russian polish. anastasia.
i started to ask questions
because i didn't know who i was.
i had to ask other people. what was i like
was i bad guy was i mean was i
and they would tell me, "no, you weren't mean.
you were just drunk".
you know, you were an all right guy.
"did i hurt anyone "
"no, you just hurt yourself".
then i started finding my drunk journals
and started reading those
because i wanted to find out who i was.
for real.
'cause the only one that would know
is the guy who was writing them, who was me.
maybe not in the right frame of mind,
but it was me.
it's all messed up like this because i was hammered.
"i'm gonna die tonight".
and, oh, january 19, 1993.
"last entry".
and i was like, my god.
it was like reading something
that stephen king wrote or something.
it was bad.
i never want to see this guy again.
i figured, all right, well, what's the first thing i got to work on
that's my imagination.
i came flying over in my p-40 warhawk. on fire.
and i saw a field down below.
and i crash landed it.
and when i walked into town,
there was nobody there.
and then one by one, beautiful barbie-looking women
started emerging.
i was the only man in town with 27 barbies.
the ss, i found out later,
went through there and killed men.
it was like a desolate town.
and they all hid when the ss were there.
so they came out and they thanked me.
i was thinking, "boy, what a lucky guy i am".
so they gave me my own place, my own building,
which i turned into a bar.
i used to work there five days a week.
you know, 10 hours a day.
but now i just work once a week,
and it's 4 or 5 hours a week,
just so i can get used to doing things again.
mark's job is-- he kind of does anything i ask him, really.
doesn't come in too much
because it's too much for him
if he's around a lot of people and a lot of stress.
he came to me, he was in recovery.
didn't last long.
and he was awful.
he drank. sometimes he came to work,
sometimes, like he said, he would have a shot
just to steady himself for the day
and just call in and say, i'm not coming.
after he got out of the hospital,
it was like somebody turned a switch.
he had no interest in alcohol at all. at all.
after the attack, when i started coming around back here,
i looked at the bottles and i don't get that same feeling.
nothing happens when i look at the bottle.
it's like liquor, booze, that's it.
i mean, if i don't remember what it's like to be drunk
or what it tastes like, then i don't miss it.
i just figured i'd be like sam malone, you know, from "cheers".
you know, he's a recovering alcoholic
and he is a bartender.
i made my alter ego figure drink only coffee
because that's what i do in real life,
drink tons of coffee.
does anybody ever try and offer your alter ego a beer
yeah. yeah.
and what happens
i just tell them i don't drink.
the only entertainment i could think of was catfighting.
so i paid the girls to catfight.
staged catfights for entertainment purposes only.
i named my club, besides hogancamp's,
i added a little bit more.
hogancamp's ruined stocking.
catfight club. the only one in belgium.
this place. just looking at it soothes me.
i used to be able to draw anything that came to my mind,
but now, since the attack, i can't
because my hand shakes too much.
this one was evidence.
still has the evidence sticker.
his drawings were there to show to the jury
what this individual was capable of doing.
brain damage you can't see with your own eyes,
but you can see the manifestations
from what people have been able to do before
to what they can do now.
mom, i'm home.
i need supplies.
when mark first came in after the attack,
he was very upset.
his hand wasn't steady enough to do anything.
and he was afraid that he wasn't gonna be able to continue,
and that just frustrated the heck out of him.
so we encouraged him.
and janet, when he didn't have any money,
she'd give him a kit or something to work with.
he kept bringing things in to show us.
and you could see the excitement in him,
like, "yeah, yeah, it's there. i hope to get better at it.
i'm in the hobby shop.
i just love the hobby shop.
you get too-- you get too excited.
everything's real.
the slide on the .45.
the hammer.
the clip even comes out.
so that adds to my, you know, veracity
of getting into it, into the story,
because i know everything works.
i almost know what everything-- what every satchel's carrying.
you know, that's grenades.
this is the briefcase i carry around.
in here we have money,
the detonator,
and then certificate of ownership
that i made up myself for my doll figure to carry around
because this proves i own the bar, then.
this is my mom, my mother.
this is from the movie "goldfinger," 007.
pussy galore was her name.
anyway, yeah, it looks just like my mom.
when my mother came to visit,
i said, "mom, mom, look, there's you. you're tending bar".
then she-- "yeah, ok".
didn't even look. just walked right past it.
so it's like-- but it's my mom, you know.
so i gotta have my mom in here,
in my town.
this is how i work on patience.
this is how i work on dexterity.
training my right hand to be a little bit calmer,
not shake so much.
i'm amazed how i can talk about this
and actually do it at the same time.
that's a first.
i started needing vehicles for my town.
and the tires, they looked so brand new.
they got the little factory seam around every one.
it looks like it just rolled out a show room.
i don't want that.
so i start dragging stuff.
the jeep has 180 miles on it.
which is 1,080 miles in 1/6 scale.
when i'm even walking,
i have to constantly look at my feet.
i can't look around like other people do and just walk
because otherwise i'll wind up in the middle of the road
or something like that.
so i've always got to look at what's ahead.
i'm walking along. i'm walking on that white line.
i always have to keep on looking down,
make sure i'm walking on that.
and i still lose my balance and stuff when i'm doing that,
but i'm getting better at it.
americans and germans were wandering into the town
either because they were lost
or they just came across the town.
there was one rule in my town.
that-- friends. be friendly with each other.
behave. so they did. they were.
the americans, the british, the germans,
they all drink together, they all smoke cigarettes together.
everybody be friends with each other.
the germans, when they were there,
i told them they have to get along with the americans.
and as long as i gave them booze and a couple of catfights,
staged catfights, between the girls, they were happy.
so the americans and germans sat together, drinking together.
everybody got along.
nobody was against anybody else.
it didn't matter what clothing they wore.
when i get that new character and i open up that box,
the first thing i look at is their face.
and then i think, who does that remind me of that i know,
that i want to portray with an alter ego in my town
and then that's their alter ego.
she looks like pam.
a girl i know, pam.
that's married. down at the anchorage.
so i think i'm gonna make her pam.
pam.
then sometimes i just do a quick thing like this.
like, oh-ho ho.
like they're hugging me. like they bought me and stuff.
i know what it's like to build things in miniature
and want to have, like, a society outside of society,
a smaller society.
when mark creates a character for you,
that's really a way mark honors you.
and i felt very honored
when mark made me part of his town.
my doll, i believe he's a british commando.
i think it's a handsome doll, myself.
there's always something going on at marwencol.
there's always danger. there's always the ss trying to attack.
i've taken place in many battles,
and we usually come out on top.
everybody at one time or another
wishes they had a double that could do things
that they could never do.
so what i do is with alter egos,
i tell my friends, you can be anybody you want,
you can do anything you want in my town.
have as many girls as you want.
i only-- i have 27 barbies,
so we have to keep enough for the other dudes.
mediterranean lisa said,
i want to have a tall, dark, and handsome boyfriend.
i said, ok.
so i put her with yazi the navajo indian.
and she said, he's gorgeous. he's perfect.
but she didn't know i had a steve mcqueen doll.
when she found that out,
she wanted to drop the navajo like a hot cake.
and now steve mcqueen's her boyfriend.
i am mediterranean lisa, and this is my doll.
i am now dating steve mcqueen.
i'm very happy about that.
a couple buddies of mine
were looking at my town one day
and it was all, you know, the soldiers out there and stuff.
and i had a barbie.
and one of them said, "hey, look, man, it's a barbie".
and i says, "yeah, what do you want it to be, gay town,
with all dudes in it "
he's like, "no".
i said, "man, all the dudes got to have some women".
you know what i mean. i... i love the thought of women.
you know, so i want women in my town.
this is the last girlfriend that i had.
9 years ago.
it's the last time i ever felt a woman, hugged a woman.
kissed a woman.
the first 4 years of that 9 years
was because i was a drunk and i didn't care to look for women.
i'd just rather drink.
and the last five years, i've been me being busy,
trying to get back my senses,
fine motor skills.
i have to learn that all over again, sex.
because i don't know--
i don't remember what it was like.
that's what i used to do to my wife
when i would come off the ship.
come home and attack her.
she'd be waiting.
i wish i had somebody to come over, a girl preferably,
to manipulate the female dolls.
that'd be neat--
playing dolls with a girlfriend.
my bedroom window was right across the street from a big house
with a white picket fence
and a big tall blonde lived over there.
we would-- you know, if i was outside and she was outside,
we'd, you know, meet at the picket fence.
and the other neighbor, betty, would come over.
and then the three of us
would be at the white picket fence.
so i dubbed it the gossip fence.
it was great.
she was just so beautiful.
hi, i'm colleen,
and this is my home.
and this is where mark and i used to talk
and gossip by my fence.
i like blondes to begin with, so.
'cause of my ex-wife.
she's blonde.
you know, so i experienced the feeling of a crush.
what it is to want someone.
i have 3 children. i'm married.
i didn't know about that. can't have her.
you know, i just...
oh, innocent me.
i didn't understand it.
i mean, i didn't want to steal her away.
i just wanted to let her know
that she was on some scrumptious.
mark had shared with me, like, certain pictures
that he had been taking, photographs,
and telling me certain storylines that he had had.
and i just kept telling him to go with it.
my husband was just like, you know, you got to be aware.
just be aware.
she matches.
i mean, her shirt matches her little sparkles.
and that's what mark was probably thinking, too.
i was like, yep, that's me. a barbie doll.
this is the colleen doll.
i did her hair last night.
um, when i wash it and all that crap
i get all the chemicals out.
i put more chemicals in by spraying it
and combing it and stuff.
but this is how it dries--
close to her head,
not sticking out way out here like it was yesterday.
and colleen has this nice little one piece of hair
that always, you know--
a strand that always hangs down and stuff.
hey. she looks hot.
anyway, i'm putting manolo blahnik slingbacks on colleen
'cause she deserves that.
so we were just talking
and he goes, "what would you name a store "
there would used to be a store, and i used to love this store,
but it actually went out of business.
and it was pocket full of posies.
so i built it.
so i preserved colleen,
and i can have her in my town.
i'm making believe
that you're in my arms
though i know you're so far away
making believe i'm talking to you
wish you could hear what i say
and here in the gloom of my lonely room
we're dancing like we used to do
making believe is just another way of dreaming
so till my dreams come true
i'll whisper good night
turn out the light and kiss my pillow
making believe it's you
ok.
mark had gotten into a conversation with me
and he was showing me some certain pictures.
i says, look, look,
i even put your name on the car door,
my name on that car door.
you're here, i'm here.
and he was like, well,
they're getting married on such and such day.
i said, what, you know, we're engaged.
as he was telling me,
it was like he was telling me about it like it was somebody else,
like it was two other people.
and then when he told me it was us,
and i was just like... what
hello. you're talking to a real person, and there's dolls.
you have to know when you have to stop.
so i go outside sulking and stuff.
and there's deja thorus, the belgian witch of marwencol.
and i explained to her what went on with colleen.
and just then, here comes colleen
waving, "how you doing, mark " and everything.
i just figured she's gonna point her gloved finger at colleen
and poof her out of her shoes,
get rid of her forever out of marwencol.
just get rid of her for me.
so i didn't complain.
so who's that
anna. that's anna, my favorite female doll.
i wish that she would come alive.
i won a photo contest
and with that money, i bought anna.
sorry.
when i first got the doll, i fell in love with her face.
so much that i had to paint makeup on her.
and being that i'm alone in life,
i figure at least my alter ego
can have a girlfriend.
every night she's next to my bed, i stare at her
and i wish and i wish and i wish
that i could find a girl that looks just like her.
when i first saw mark,
probably a year before i actually talked to him,
he's in this full world war ll regalia
and it looked like he had a remote controlled truck or something,
like one of these rc aficionados.
my window actually looks out the curve,
like right past us going toward his house.
and so, i noticed every day around 2:00 or 3:00
he would start coming home.
so i set my long lens
and tried to zoom in to figure out what was going on,
if this was a remote control
or is this grown man actually pulling a car
or a truck or something.
and then i decided that i was going to try to figure out a way
to stop and talk to him.
i saw him again when he was walking down the street.
i drive way up ahead, i park maybe 75, 80 yards up ahead,
and get out.
i'm sitting there and i can sense him
getting a little closer and closer.
i go, "hey!" you know, "how's it going "
he's like, "pretty good. pretty good".
and he stops and proceeded to introduce me
to the people in the jeep.
there were 2 figures in the jeep.
he says, this is actually so and so,
who is someone i work with.
and this other woman, she's actually an old neighbor of mine.
i was like, has anybody else seen this stuff
or talked to you, you know
he goes, you're the first person to ever really stop
and say, that's interesting. what are you doing
or where are you going or what's that all about
the next day, this envelope stuffed with photos.
and i opened them up, and i was just astonished
by the realism and the feeling.
when i went to his house after i saw the photos,
i said, now, do you have anymore of these
he goes, oh, i've got thousands of them.
yeah, sure.
'cause i'm a photographer, i was,
how do you manage all your assets and your negatives
he said, i don't even keep the negatives.
the negatives, i throw them away.
i asked him about metering, things like that.
he said, you know, well, the light meter's actually broken.
so basically what i do, is i set up these shots
and shoot them, then send them off to a mail order lab,
which is where he got all his processing done.
and wait a couple weeks, he'd come back,
they'd be overexposed 2 or 3 stops or under,
and he's just shoot the entire thing over again.
it's funny. i don't think he ever even thought of himself
as being a photographer.
he was just using a camera as a tool to communicate.
definitely didn't identify himself as an artist.
it was all such a genuine thing.
and i just-- i felt like it was too amazing
to not share with other people.
the story, meanwhile, was just going on in my head,
like, ok, the ss heard about my town, my bar.
they're just driving around aimlessly looking for marwencol.
looking for the town they heard of,
the bar they heard of, the women they heard of.
that the marwencol women were beautiful.
they're the most beautiful girls in belgium.
so, eventually, the ss find marwencol.
and there's nobody around.
we all decided to go to the bar,
hogancamp's catfight club, 2 miles away
and hide in there.
and the only one left in town was ruth.
she had decided to stay behind,
watch over the church.
and the ss came in.
and they interrogated ruthie.
and these guys wanted to know where the bar was.
"where's the bar i want a drink".
'cause i remember that's the way i was when i was an alcoholic.
"gah! i want a drink!"
you know. i remember that.
and so, she still wouldn't tell
the ss where my bar was, where i'd moved the bar.
so they killed her.
i heard that i'm killed off.
yes.
i don't remember you ever telling me.
you were in the church
when the ss came and found marwencol.
they wanted to drink. they wanted to party. you know.
there was nobody there but you.
you wouldn't tell them where the bar was,
so they killed you.
the bad guy killed you.
and then they started walking out of the church.
and the professor, who stayed behind to watch over ruthie,
he was picking off the ss. he got three of them.
so the ss scared back into the church.
they were gonna stay there until they found my bar.
and the professor was just--
every time one of them would poke their head out,
he was picking them off.
and that was good.
if mark is angry, he definitely takes it out on his town,
which i guess is a good outlet, you know.
instead of taking out in real life,
he takes it out on his town.
and he gets a lot of anger out that way.
and the ss takes the brunt of a lot of it.
i think a lot of it stems from his attack, too.
he's got a lot of anger to let go,
especially for groups, people who hate.
and it definitely shows in his town.
anything pisses him off in life,
that's an outlet for mark to take it out
and someone in that town's gonna get it.
i created my own therapies.
and this was one of them.
wow.
i could act out my revenge and anger and rage
in photographs.
it's nice to be able to--
you know, somebody hurts you,
you can, without any violence,
you know, get back at them. you know.
correct. right.
whether it be on paper or in film.
yep. yep.
i still really miss somebody to talk to
about still the way i feel.
so you're not in therapy now
oh, no. no.
this guy is tod, the editor for "esopus" magazine.
good friend of mine named david naugle,
he was at a party and said-- had his mac with him,
and he said, i've got to show you something.
and i thought it was fantastic.
just like nothing i'd ever seen before.
and the story, although i didn't know much of it at that point,
was fascinating to me, too.
the magazine is-- the whole purpose of it is
to present a space that's completely uncommercial,
completely unmediated, and completely unfiltered
for artists to present their work to,
hopefully, a fairly broad general public.
to find somebody like mark who's doing this amazing work
that no one has seen ever,
except maybe a few people he worked with
at the anchorage and david,
was just like a gift from the gods, you know.
does it feel like therapy at all to you,
or is it all just art
it constantly keeps my mind--
it keeps my mind constantly working.
uh-huh.
i mean, the minute i met him,
i was like, oh, he's like a nice guy.
he's just a wonderful nice guy.
he's so much further along than most of us would be
in that situation.
and really because of what he'd decided to do with his life.
this idea of someone using art to sort of access something they lost
or to sort of regain something they lost
was just so beautiful and so moving to me.
and then the work was so great.
it would be a great story if his work were, you know, nice,
but his work is strong.
it's strong stuff.
so that just made it such a no-brainer.
of course we're gonna do this.
meanwhile, back in marwencol...
the town germans and i came up with a plan
that i would pretend to be the town germans' prisoner.
they would bring me to the church.
and that way we could infiltrate the ss,
and then just get our town back.
yeah, but that didn't happen
because the ss took me,
sent the town germans out of the church.
they tied me up, the ss tied me up.
then started interrogating me. where's my bar
where did i move the bar we want to drink!
that's what they kept on,
with anger and stuff like that.
then started cutting me.
and on my alter ego,
i put a scar down the right side of my face,
because this is the side
that was damaged in real life on me.
there's one major difference i found immediately
between mark's work and a lot of other contemporary art
that i look at and see and life, for that matter.
that is, particularly when you're using dolls
or some kind of-- you're re-photographing something,
there's generally a very strong sense of irony in the work.
there's a distance.
and it's kind of a little wink-winky.
like, i'm photographing dolls. isn't that, you know,
funny or subversive or clever or whatever.
and i just--
the thing that struck me immediately about mark's work
is that there's no irony in it as far as i can tell.
i mean, he's a very clever guy, very smart,
but he's in the work.
he's not using the work as a tool to do something else.
the work is him.
it's a very authentic feeling to me,
which is a wonderful thing.
you don't see it that often.
so then, back at my bar,
all the dolls in my bar heard
that the ss had me tied up and they were cutting me to ribbons
and beating me up.
so anna didn't want to wait around for another brilliant plan
that the townspeople had come up with.
so she took chris and jacqueline
and traded their uniforms for barbie clothes.
they went into town with their hands behind their back.
each hand was carrying a pistol.
and they waltzed into town.
anna grabbed my revolver from the town german,
and the 3 of the girls went into the church.
just like precision surgeons,
they eliminated the ss.
they only wounded the worst ss guy,
because they had plans for him.
they wanted to save him for later.
and anna came over and she cut me down
and held me until the jeep came
to pick us up and bring us back to my bar.
her coming and saving me from the ss
proved to me that she loved me.
it proved to me that she felt the same way i felt about her.
so the call went out to all the town's barbies.
we did it before and we can do it again
and we will do it again
we've got a heck of a job to do
but who better to see it through
we did it before and we can do it again
and we will do it again
we're one for all and we're all for one
we'll get to lickin' before we're done
then svetlana takes a pistol while the ss guy's still alive,
good old-fashioned eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth sort of thing.
and still smiling, the women of marwencol
had gotten their revenge.
this is no town that you can push over and take over.
this is what happens to people who mess with us.
so this is my wife, anna.
when'd you guys get married
march 26.
i still remember that, too.
i don't remember when i got married in real life.
i mean, i remember that it was 8-4, '84.
but i don't recollect that wedding
as much as i recollect the one that my alter ego got married to here.
and it's weird when i say "my wife," you know.
it's like i remember saying that back when i was married,
but it just-- it doesn't hold any, you know-- i don't know.
anna's competition is deja thorus,
the belgian witch of marwencol.
she's competing for my love.
deja thorus was in love with me.
she's still in love with me.
she can't get me, even though she brought me back in time
so i wouldn't meet anna and all that stuff.
but i did meet anna. anna and i kissed.
and while we were connected on our kiss,
we remembered all the love we once had for each other,
so deja thorus' spell was broken.
this is deja thorus' time machine.
and i'm proud of it.
it was an old vcr that ate one of my best porno tapes.
so i had to extract the tape somehow.
so i took an mp3 player stand and made that the seat.
and found an old cell phone keypad on the roadway
when i was walking.
so i glued that on this thing that i put there.
and before i knew it, there it was, the time machine.
tod showed my stuff in the city.
and he tells me that there's a curator of an art gallery
that wants to display my photos.
i did feel a very strong responsibility
and a concern about, you know,
will the show be too much
what if this leads to, you know, attention
and it's bad for him in some way
will the photographs look ok will the space be ok
will he like the space will he be comfortable here
will he make to the city
he hasn't been here for a long, long time.
he hasn't been out of kingston for a long, long time.
i'm happy about the whole thing
except the talk of me taking something so sentimental to me
and having it on display 100 miles away.
it's a very big decision for me to make.
women want to meet the artist.
they don't want to hear that the artist couldn't make it.
they want to meet the artist.
and, of course, if some big spendy guy comes in
and he's looking for something,
he has tons of money, mad money,
and he wants to meet the artist,
he doesn't want to hear, oh, the artist couldn't make it,
he's too afraid to come to the city.
yeah. so, i'm still afraid to go to the city,
but that's where courage comes in.
courage. i was taught that courage is to face the thing,
to do the thing,
even though i have such great fear of doing it.
anna comes back to town and she's all pissy
'cause i didn't want to go.
'cause i have mental problems.
i'm still disturbed by the ss tying me up.
and to get a close-up of her looking at me
and then scooting on over, and now we're kissing.
so that's the whole outcome of that.
it gets stranger by the moment, doesn't it
218 pair...
of women's essence.
i mean, they wore these.
they scuffed them up, i can tell if they were a smoker or not.
i should be a shoe detective or something.
yep. some of these...
oh, none of these are ones i've stole.
they were all given to me by women.
they were. i'm not kidding.
like, colleen gave me a bag full of shoes.
colleen.
the first night we went home to his apartment
when he got out of the hospital,
he sees this whole shelf of high heels.
and he says to me,
"do i have a girlfriend that lives here "
and i said, "no".
and he says, "well, what's with all the shoes
and i said, "well, mark, those are your shoes.
"you buy them, you collect them.
i think you wear them".
if i tell people who i am and what i'm about,
i'm true to myself.
that means i'm not lying to myself.
what they do with that is on them.
i'm not accountable for their feelings
or how they perceive it, make faces and stuff.
that's when i close in and discover who i am.
and that's all part of the finding out who i am
part of this new life,
second life i was given.
this is a b.a.r. it's a browning automatic rifle.
it's .30 caliber. it has a mean punch.
she's got two .45s.
i've got 2 six shooters and one .45 shoulder holster.
when i walk the 2 miles to the store...
when i feel apprehensive
and i look down at the jeep and i know that they'll protect me.
it's dolls.
there's a lot of firepower in there.
and i make sure i put the correct weapons
with the most firepower in there before i take my walks.
it's just in case.
people don't know i'm disabled.
they don't know that i don't think correctly.
they don't know that i have psychological problems
like i'm always on guard, always looking over my shoulder,
always worried about being attacked again.
they just see me on the outside.
outside, yeah, i'm trying to act like a normal human
so i don't get attacked again
by the stronger ones.
i figured i'd go out and see what was going on in town.
while i'm focused in on what's going on in my town,
this ss asshole snuck up behind me.
and i don't hear him.
brings me back to town
where all of his buddies are,
and five of them figured they'd have a little fun with me.
and then it all comes back again--
the attack, those five scumbags, how bad i want to kill them.
i hope mark is not always haunted by this experience,
but unfortunately, this kind of thing
doesn't leave you just because the case is over.
i don't know if i'll start ripping them apart.
i don't know if i'm gonna want to kill them.
and i don't know if it's gonna take, like, 8 police officers
to shoot me.
there's no fair fighting person that's been jumped on from behind
and every memory kicked out of his head.
there's no etiquette to fighting after that.
sorry, i get a little angry and stuff
thinking about it.
after they get done kicking and punching me,
they drag me in the church.
figured they'd have further fun.
there's that asshole. happy what he did.
he's like, "good. kill that hogancamp".
so deja thorus sensed that i was in danger.
so she hopped in her time machine
and used it just to transport herself
as fast as a plasma jet of a blazar,
which travels at 99.9% the speed of light.
like i imaged that it happened in real life.
there she is.
my savior.
and then, in like a belgian accent girl voice,
"oh, my love. why would anybody do such a thing to you "
since i can't remember
what happened in the bar, what led them to beat me up,
i was told that i told them that i was a crossdresser.
so that's what i have been told happened.
so i think they...
i believe they attacked me
because i mentioned that i was a crossdresser.
we were in the bar. the guy said
he was a crossdresser and everything.
and i started figuring out he was gonna get it.
i think freddy wanted to beat his ass.
he was saying, "i have no problems with anybody.
i have no problems with anybody".
that guy didn't do nothing to anybody.
i could tell he was being set-up.
man.
when in doubt, bring them all.
got to bring this asshole.
i don't know if i'll use all these,
but i bring them anyway,
just in case.
i'm really, really attempting to have a positive look--
outlook on everything.
but it's that subconscious fear that i still have,
you know, about being hurt again.
that's the biggest fear.
i don't want to get hurt
mentally or emotionally or physically ever again.
so that's why, thank god, there's that other voice in my head
that still didn't get broke in that attack
that tells that side that's so worried,
"hey, come on, don't think about all that stuff.
"come on, give it a go, man.
do the show like you do marwencol the story".
and since i was given a second chance at life,
i want to live this rest of my life to the fullest.
i'm gonna do things i've always wanted to do
but was always afraid to do.
i'm gonna do them now.
you know, like wear pantyhose, wear a skirt,
you know, wear heels and stuff.
it's just-- it's good feeling.
i mean, i haven't got up the gumption to walk in public.
i don't know how to be smooth.
that's my-- i mean, i don't know if i want to look like james bond
or if i just want to look like a hip artist.
i don't know.
but i'm representing myself down there.
and i don't want to wear anything stupid.
'cause the first impression is a lasting impression.
you know, that's what leads me all the way back to the suit.
but really-- what i'd really like to wear
is that long chiffon slit skirt.
but that's what i'd like to wear
in my fantasy world.
these are meant for women's dolls legs, but they fit mine.
my figure, 2 or 3 times i put tights under his pants
just to see how that felt.
and i was like, no, i'm still--
i don't want to come out of the closet in my town yet.
but my girls, they know me better than i know me.
you're gonna let me loose in a land of people that are like me--
greenwich village,
the weirdest place on the planet,
where i could walk in high heels and nobody would care.
some dude would say, "hey, nice shoes". "thanks, man".
you know what i mean
"i like your shoes, too".
you know what i mean it's, like, people like me.
nobody cares. they're all artists and stuff down there.
so for me, it's gonna be that's what i envisioned,
that's what i project.
i put them like this.
you know, pull the blanket over.
then make sure that nobody's hanging off
and they're all tucked in.
because if they're happy,
it means i'll sleep better.
i always see them.
they're the last things i see before i close my eyes
and go to bed.
i love you.
that's just how i say it.
out loud so i can hear it.
that's how often i get out from here
to see real women that wear make-up.
and something other than sneakers
and jeans or boots.
i'm nervous.
i'm super freakin' tired.
my energy level-- the batteries are low.
i couldn't sleep last night.
i'm thinking about this and making lists and stuff.
you know, and i'm making another list now this morning.
copying makes sure,
so writing it the second time,
you know, it's like, all right, make sure i have everything.
i built marwencol for me,
for my therapy,
and now it's like everybody's.
like, everybody wants to-- everybody wants to
play in it or be part of it and everything,
and i don't want all that.
it's like this is the one last thing
that i don't ever want taken from me.
and it seems like it is,
but theoretically it's not.
it's still mine.
i expected 98% of people in greenwich village
to be walking on the street in big feathers,
and outfits, and...
i'm glad i have the ability
to escape into a fantasy world.
i'm real glad that i have that ability
because those guys, i thought, took it away.
i thought they took away my imagination
along with everything else.
and like i've been fighting to get balance
and everything else back, you know,
i fought for my imagination, to get that back.
and that's when marwencol started.
the more i built and the more i played around,
you know, and bought figures and stuff,
the more the story just came alive in my head.
so... it's gonna go there.
ok the big one
every time i see marwencol the town,
it brings me right back to when i started the town,
and how close and dear it was to me,
and how much i wanted people to know about my town
and to be part of my town.
that's why i started putting people that i know in it,
is because i feel so alone here.
and if i have an alter ego
from people that i know in my town,
i can manipulate them, make them do whatever i--
you know, i want.
and, you know, i'll be surrounded by my friends.
now look right dead in the camera.
what do you think about this
that's a nice camera.
no, the artwork we have to look at today.
oh.
there's no words.
i can't think of anything.
it's a suit-and-tie thing
- no, no. - no, no, no, no.
you can wear what you're wearing now.
see what everybody's...
yeah, this is what i'll be wearing.
i want you to be yourself.
you don't have to feel like you have to dress up.
that's all. you can wear whatever you want.
fucking man's shoes.
they look all right.
is my hair all right and shit
yeah, you look great, man.
i look like a beatnik artist
there's definitely been a strong response to his work.
what i really love is for somebody to come along--
and a gallerist, or a dealer, or a curator--
and say, "this is really interesting work.
i'd like to help him show it on a regular basis".
i think that the really ideal thing
would be for him to know
that when he makes work from now on out,
there are gonna be people ready and waiting to see it.
i don't know what to say.
i don't know how to speak to people.
they're big collectors, they're big, important people,
but i have no idea how to talk with them.
should i be writing shit down
should i photograph them what
you know, so the most i could do to that big collector
was say, "you have nice shoes. i like your shoes".
and she looked at me like, "you're strange," you know
- sorry, ladies before gents. - yeah, go ahead.
in europe they always offer a cigarette.
that's the one.
i have 218 pair at home.
- really - yeah.
pictures or pairs of shoes
really shoes
oh, women's, man.
it's like, when i'm stuck where the movie's going--
the movie-- where the story's going...
i slip on a pair of heels,
and the characters tell me
where the story's going next.
hmm.
that's anna and i just taking a ride yesterday.
who's anna
my wife.
see, the s.s. sent somebody there to kill me,
and all the women of marwencol
stabbed the crap out of him.
and i make sure that i turn that damn flash off...
oh, yeah.
'cause the flash takes 50% away from the photo.
oh, yeah.
not one picture did i take of my show,
or of people hanging out at my show,
or... just shoe shots.
i was like an elephant
left in charge of the peanuts.
that's good. that's what he-- that's it.
all right, so long, ladies.
i went to his show,
and i sat there, and i was looking,
and i was listening to people's opinions about his stuff.
and i felt myself, like, getting mad or defensive
about people who had negative stuff.
like, the one guy: "oh, let's go look at pictures of real war".
you know, like, this is mark's real war.
my mind can't decide
what world to go for.
realistic world
but there's dangers out there.
people out there are so...
real.
and i don't understand all that.
i feel safe when i get in my town,
and it just takes everything away.
i prefer...
to live in my world.
i want to live here in marwencol.
my character in the story
had to create something for himself
to deal with the trauma that he still had
from being attacked by five s.s.,
and beaten, and kicked, almost to death.
you know, so it was a lot of wear and tear
on his mind and stuff, so...
you know, he found comfort
in building his own little world, his own little town,
that's, you know,
peopled with little 1/6 scale dolls and figures
and stuff, and each with a personality.
published 06/16/2013 @ www.podnapisi.net